This post is for anyone out there who feels like they’re simply waiting for their ‘real life’ to begin.
Because, let’s be real here—you most likely have a dream that will pop up at you out of nowhere—sometimes in the middle of the night or on the car ride home from your comfortable, but unfulfilling 9-5.
Maybe the dream feels real when you imagine it—but when it comes down to actually sitting down and doing the things necessary to try to make that a reality—you freeze.
The reason for this is that actually going full-steam-ahead with a goal often brings up a lot of fears as well as illuminate things about our lives that get in the way (otherwise known as barriers). These can be external—like lack of time and money—or internal (aka those limiting beliefs that get in the way).
In this blog, I’ll go through 6 reasons we often put off going for our dreams—and how to develop a growth mindset that will allow you to overcome these.
1. Daily life is all-consuming
The most frequent barrier I hear get in people’s way when trying to accomplish a goal is the lack of time—or, perhaps more importantly—energy.
Time is a bit easier of a puzzle to solve—you’ve surely heard the advice to simply swap out the time you spend scrolling on your phone for tackling your fitness goal or do an online language class. Seems easy enough—but when the evening hits and it’s actually time to log in and tackle a 20-minute lesson on complex German grammar—ehhhh?
That TV looks tempting. Or maybe, like me, you’ve actually dozed off during a Korean lesson.
The fact is, energy is often what we are truly lacking. We can find the time, sure—but our energy reserves are completely depleted by the end of the day.
It’s easy to see this as a reason we can’t do the thing. But I would encourage you to use a little mindset hack I like to call the “small door”.
Picture yourself trapped in a dark room. At first it seems like there’s no way out—yet, in the corner of the room lies a very small, very difficult-to-see doorway—almost completely concealed by the darkness.
The doorway is not as glamorous or exciting as blowing one of the walls down with a stick of dynamite and walking out unscathed. It may require you to bend down or crawl through dark, creepy tunnels (possibly with a resident spider nearby).
But it’s a way out—and in fact, it’s the only way out.
When it comes to accomplishing a goal with little time, we can think in terms of taking the small doorway.
What is something you can spend 15 minutes a day doing? Not an hour—just 15 minutes at a time?
What is one teeny tiny habit that you can change consistently? Not a dramatic overhaul of your entire life—but just one habit?
How can you give yourself just a tad bit more energy each day? What is one mental load you’re carrying that you are able to let go of?
By doing small things, consistently, over time—you can make slow progress toward your goals. It may not always be appealing, or easy, or glamorous. But those small steps will add up to the point where 5 years from now, you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come.
A few ways to conserve time and energy:
- Do the scroll swap thing! Simply stop scrolling on your phone for 15 minutes a day and do something else instead.
- Cut out energy-consuming background processes. These could be worry, resentment, or the stress of being a part of a group or being in a relationship that isn’t adding to your life. Step back and figure out what makes sense to let go of in this season of life.
- Make a plan ahead of time. Write down that you’ll do Lesson 23 of your online language class so that when it comes time to sit down and do it, you know exactly what to do. This reduces decision fatigue and also gives you that sense of accomplishment that you set out to do what you wanted to do.
2. Fear of failure (or success)
Fear of failure is pretty easy to understand—failure = bad things happening. Most of us have internalized that in childhood where a wrong answer on an exam meant a lower grade.
Some of us more than others may fear making mistakes—because maybe mistakes simply held a lot of weight in childhood.
Fear of success may be a bit trickier to understand—but I find it’s something many of us deal with as well.
The fact is, our brains don’t always think that success is a good thing.
Huh? Success is the thing that gets us gold stars in childhood and lots of money in adulthood. How can it be bad?
Well, if you think about it—success can actually involve loss too. It can come with possibly losing important relationships because ‘you’re just not relatable anymore’. Or it can come with a loss of feeling like that ‘down-to-earth’, approachable person who anyone can come to without fear of judgment.
Many of these fears are unfounded. But these fears can keep us in a holding pattern where we’re simply not moving—only anticipating and trying to avoid potential negative outcomes.
What we can do about these fears:
Get clear on what exactly you’re afraid of and where they stem from. This is an introspective step that I would recommend tackling in a quiet moment with a journal (and a hot cup of something).
It’s often when we allow ourselves to get quiet that we can hear our own inner voice.
Some questions to ask yourself:
When I sit down to work on my goal, what specific feelings come up?
When do I remember first feeling this way?
What is this possibly trying to keep me safe from?
Is it still necessary today?
Just move—a little bit at a time. If you’ve ever heard the axiom ‘an object in motion stays in motion; an object at rest stays at rest’, you’ll know that some momentum can be enough to keep progress moving.
The trick here is to actually take that first step, reminding yourself that you may make some mistakes along the way—and learning that you can correct yourself and learn as you go. This is absolutely key in developing a growth mindset. Mistakes are not a sign that you should turn back—instead they are valuable data you can take with you into whatever is coming next.
Ditch the ‘wasted time’ fallacy.
I truly believe there is no such thing as wasted time. Even if you took a wrong turn somewhere, you surely learned something from the experience and gained some skills. That is not for nothing.
The fear of taking a wrong turn or not taking the most effective and efficient path can hold us back from taking action—but really, the skillset we learn from the detours is usually incredibly useful.
As an example of this, I’ve lived with the thought for years now that I simply ‘wasted my 20s’. I lived with the ‘if-onlys’—if only I had focused on my career instead of getting married at 23. If only I had spent the energy I’d spent trying to keep that relationship afloat on myself and my own development. Now I found myself divorced with 2 kids, a masters degree I’m not using, and a lot of regret.
It wasn’t until I stumbled upon an eye-opening article about a stay-at-home mom going back to the workforce that I realized that maybe the time had not been wasted. This mom decided she would actually write on her resume and cover letter about how being a stay-at-home mom led her to develop skills that could easily translate into a job.
That got me thinking—maybe even the wrong turns and detours can prepare us for our calling and purpose.
I’d recommend sitting down (again with a journal, pen and hot beverage of choice!) and writing down all the skills you’ve gained during the years you believe you’ve wasted and how they can apply to working toward your dream life. I would bet a good deal of money you will be stunned by what you discover!
3. Feeling incapable
How many of us walk around with the core belief that we’re not capable of doing ‘bigger things’?
For most of us, messaging we’ve received throughout our lives—that our dreams are too hard, or that we’re just not ‘special’, or that we have to be super-duper gifted in order to do that—hold us back from even trying. While we ultimately received those beliefs from outside of ourselves, we unconsciously agree with them—and so they continue to rule our lives.
But then there are the few who actually buck those beliefs about not being capable and just go and do the thing anyway! As Will Smith puts it, “I think there’s a certain delusional quality that all successful people have to have. You have to believe that something different can happen.”
Are those ‘successful people’ simply cut from different cloth? I would say ‘no’ and likely, they would say ‘no’ too. These people make no claim to being born lucky—they earnestly believe deep down that you make yourself special by choosing to make your own luck.
Do things like privilege play a role? Absolutely. The flip side of this is to not beat yourself up for not being able to be as successful as your neighbor—because they may simply have more access to resources than you.
At the same time, though—we are often massively selling ourselves short. And it doesn’t need to be that way.
How to overcome this:
List out all of the times in your life where you were resilient, or accomplished something you didn’t think you could.
These don’t have to be anything huge—but having accumulated these experiences over time, and having that finally get a chance to settle in your mind, will help you realize that you are actually way more capable than you think you are.
Try creating and embodying an ‘alter ego’.
Here’s where that ‘useful delusion’ comes in.
Many people find it helpful to simply create an ‘alter ego’ that you can embody or ‘play’ in moments where you have to do the scary things.
This ‘alter ego’ isn’t someone else, and it’s not meant to be—instead, the alter ego should represent your highest self. It should be who you envision yourself being when you imagine yourself reaching your goal.
But the idea here is that you’re deciding who you want to be and being that version of yourself—without waiting for permission, or for the ‘right time’.
4. Fear of losing something
Much like in the example of being afraid of losing relationships in your pursuit of success—going for your dreams can bring up the fear of other losses as well.
You may want to start your own business, for example—but will be worried you’ll lose your downtime or will be too busy to continue snuggling up in front of the TV every evening.
You may fear losing predictability—the life you live now, though not ideal, at least comes with knowing what to expect.
Some of these fears may not even be conscious—they may manifest as just this vague sense of dread that comes over you each time you sit down and try to think about making your dream a reality.
We are dipping a bit into the existential here—but the fact is, chasing your dreams may come with some loss. It’s unlikely that every fear you have will manifest—there is wisdom in the ‘99% of the things you worry about don’t happen’ idea. But there may be some things you may need to let go of.
But ultimately, the choice is yours. You have the terrifying and exhilarating freedom to decide if the things you may lose are worth losing in pursuit of something potentially better.
If your dream starts to feel like someone else is at the driver’s seat, and you ultimately decide to go another route—that is your choice too. The good (and somewhat scary) news is that we are free to make the big choices.
One exercise to try is to close your eyes and try to visualize your life 5 years from now if you go for it. Try to be as vivid as possible—what will you feel like? What will your environment look like? Where will you live? Who will you interact with on a daily basis? Try to really feel what the experience of having accomplished your dream will be like.
Next, try to visualize what your life will look like in 5 years if you choose not to go for it. Again, what will your life look, feel and sound like? What emotions come up? Regret? Relief? Whatever it is—note it.
If you close your eyes and picture yourself having regret for having not having gone for it—that is your sign right there to dive in, my friend.
5. Being surrounded with unsupportive people
They say you are the product of the 5 people you spend the most time with.
While the type of people you surround yourself with isn’t exactly deterministic—it does play a huge role in our willingness to get messy, take chances and make mistakes (as the great Ms. Frizzle once said).
More often than not, people are going to think you are absolutely crazy for going after your goal—especially if your dream is bigger than anything that they have ever dared imagine. Oftentimes people only stop thinking you’re out of your mind once you’ve achieved the thing.
It’s not easy to be surrounded with people who believe you can’t do it—but the good news is, you are far from alone in this. Every successful person out there has gone through that period where it seemed like no one believed in them. But they did one, extremely important thing—and pay attention to this! Get your pen and paper out…
Ready? Okay.
They persevered.
That’s it. Successful people persevered in the face of the naysayers. And you can, too.
Here are a few ways you can strengthen yourself to be able to stand and stay the course in the face of doubt or judgment from others:
Surround yourself with inspiring and uplifting people. I’m a firm believer we’re not wired to go it alone. There is a reason we’re so affected by the people around us, and it’s because we are social creatures! The good news is, that means spending more time with like-minded people who believe in your goals and fearlessly chase their own will have a positive and uplifting effect. Even just having a few solid relationships with people who believe in you will make a huge difference.
Lean in to those parts of you that truly believe in your journey and learn to trust your own inner voice. I’ve heard one person describe the moments before falling asleep as their ‘delulu hour’—and it’s true we tend to feel more confident in the silent hours when the world is sleeping! If you are able to find that courage inside you as you dream your way to sleep every night, that means you do have a part of you that truly wants this and believes that you are capable of getting it. The trouble is, when the world wakes up and the noise starts up again, those doubtful voices can creep in again. But learn to trust that inner voice—that crazy voice that tells you that you can literally do anything you put your mind to.
6. Distractions
Last but not least—a huge thing that can derail us from achieving a goal is the ever-present reality of distractions.
These can be small—like glancing at your phone and seeing a little ‘1’ pop up on your Facebook icon on your phone—or bigger things like life stress or even other goals that look ‘shinier’ or more exciting.
The temptation when we’re distracted is to simply throw in the towel and quit because we’ve gotten off track—and there are times when life is just so stressful that you may not have the same energy and drive you normally do. This can be unsettling—but the key thing to remember in these moments is:
Slow down, but don’t quit.
It’s totally fine to put things on pause when life throws something at you that takes up a lot of time or energy—as long as you determine that you’ll pick it up again later. And don’t beat yourself up for those unplanned Facebook breaks either. Rather than feeling bad and just saying ‘I’ll try again tomorrow’—dust yourself off and just try to come back—even just for 10 minutes.
The fact is, slow—even distracted—progress will get you further than just quitting and deciding not to go for it at all.
I hope you found these tips helpful in your journey to develop a growth mindset and overcome these very real (and very human!) barriers that may come up when trying to build your dream life.
If you made it this far, feel free to comment below what projects you have been cooking up lately.
And remember, above all else—don’t let anything hold you back from unleashing your inner queen 👑
