What does it truly mean to trust yourself? Why does it seem like some people have this down so well—making decisions with confidence and walking with an inner sense of certainty—but others seem to struggle?
If you are feeling stuck because of a lack of self-trust, know you are certainly not alone, and definitely not broken. It’s a problem plagues many of us, and even those people who seem so confident and put-together now may have struggled with this in the past.
I have been walking out my own battle with a lack of self-trust and feel like I have gathered more than a little bit of (hard-won) wisdom on the subject!
And the last thing I want to see is people struggling needlessly. My hope is that by sharing the lessons I’ve learned by walking this out myself, I can spare some of you the headache!
Lack of self-trust is definitely not a death sentence. While it may feel insurmountable now, there is a ton that we can do to improve. Our brains, after all, are plastic—they are not fixed, and our mindsets are not fixed.
We are far more capable of making change than we think we are!
So without further ado, let me get into the ins and outs of my own story, and the lessons I’ve discovered that I think anyone would benefit from.
Back in 2010, I made the decision to start dating who I would eventually marry. He appeared charming, funny, adventurous and romantic.
My friends seemed to catch on much faster than I did to the fact that the guy had an obvious temper. I, however, continued to wear my rose-colored glasses, believing the best about the guy and not being able to imagine a future without him.
Looking back on this now, I recognize that me missing those red flags at age 20 is enough for my self-trust to take a hit on its own—although it is important to remember that the choices we make at 20 are made when we are doing the best we can with what knowledge we have!
It’s incredibly easy to get swept up in the charms of someone like this—but what happened next caused my self-trust to all but evaporate. Throughout my relationship and marriage, the guy love-bombed me, quickly changed his tune once we got engaged, and repeatedly gaslit me throughout our relationship.
For anyone unfamiliar or who needs a refresher, gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that makes a person begin to doubt their own reality. One obvious example of this is purposely making annoying your spouse, then telling them that they are ‘acting crazy’ for getting mad.
In 2012, not even a few months into our marriage, I started showing OCD-like symptoms. I would be out driving, and then run over a bump or pothole—and then I’d start questioning whether I hit someone without realizing it. I’d then have to go back and check—and then sometimes go check again—still not feeling 100% certain.
Looking back, I don’t think this wasn’t just random OCD erupting out of nowhere. It came from ceasing to trust even my own 5 senses. And this is an incredibly common experience for victims of gaslighting. You’re not crazy—your mind is simply trying to adapt to an impossible situation that you should never have to be in.
While I have been separated from him for several years now, I still struggle to trust my own inner voice.
In fact—and this is incredibly embarrassing to admit—for the last 6 months I have been caught up in an endless obsessive spiral about figuring out my MBTI type.
Yes, that’s right. Figuring out my MBTI type. That is what my brain decided to latch on to.
And this is the embarrassing part—I paid not once, not twice—but THREE TIMES to be typed by a professional. All of this fueled by this feeling of anxiety that I couldn’t even trust myself to make a choice about something as mundane and non-life-altering as this.
Now that I sit here, I can see that the main problem at the root of all of this is a lack of self-trust. I know that I’m far from alone in the experience of having had a relationship completely crush your sense of confidence—in your own voice, your own decisions, your own intuition and your own intelligence.
But at the root of it all, there is the lack of trust in the fact that you can make it through stuff.
That you can sit through the negative emotions and uncertainty without completely abandoning yourself.
That you will put your own best-interest first and never let yourself get lost in the shuffle again.
But the good news is—this can all be rebuilt. Here are a few key lessons I’ve learned about self-trust over the last few years that have helped me reach a point where I feel a lot more steady—and I think they can help you as well.
1. Self-trust is built through repeatedly getting through tough times without crumbling
As I said before, we humans are way stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Chances are, if you really thought about it, you could come up with a decent list already of times when you were able to stay regulated and get your stuff done even in the face of challenge of uncertainty.
Maybe you still got up and checked off your entire to-do list even when you didn’t see a point. Maybe you made the choice to do something good for yourself (like take a bike ride or chat with a friend) when you would have rather wallowed in your bedroom alone.
Maybe you started a project that you feel proud of now in the wake of a painful breakup. These things are all real evidence that you can still take care of things despite challenge, pain and uncertainty.
But chances are, right now what you need is a healthy dose of self-compassion. What will really rebuild your trust in your own self is not just remaining productive and functional in the midst of difficulty, but also emotionally staying with yourself throughout these experiences.
The more you choose to give yourself compassion during times of challenge, the more you will begin to trust yourself to be there for you—the same way you trust a good friend who never fails to show up in your darkest moments.
This will make little decisions (like trying to convince yourself you have the right personality to make your dreams come true) seem less existentially threatening. You won’t feel like you have to find the 100% right answer before you start—because you know that even if things go wrong, you will make it through.
2. Don’t shove your emotions aside—let them move through you.
It’s easy when negative emotions come up to try to distract, distract, distract. To reach for that easy hit of dopamine to give you an instant boost.
But have you ever been in that place of feeling absolutely emotionally stuck—like you have no interest in anything and don’t know where to start when it comes to your daily tasks? That could be because you’re not acknowledging and allowing yourself to process what you feel.
A few days ago, I decided I was going to go for a run in almost 90-degree weather, at the time of day when I usually feel the worst (aka early afternoon). I stood there for a minute, wondering if this was a good idea. I frantically tried to search for a song to listen to, but nothing sounded good. I thought of going to the air-conditioned gym instead, but knew that would leave little time to eat a good meal before having to go pick up my kids.
So I made a decision—I’ll take it slow, acknowledging my feelings of panic about not being able to do this. I figured ‘if I have to cry or listen to sad music while running, that’s fine—I’m just going to try my best’.
Spoiler alert: I ended up completing my run without stopping 😊
If I had shoved down those feelings of reluctance, they would have simply sat there, unprocessed—which probably would have made my heart pound a bit harder.
But being honest about my emotions in the moment actually helped me feel calmer.
The lesson in this is that by processing your emotions, you are teaching yourself that your feelings matter—and that you are worth the time and effort it takes to sit with yourself through them. It’s similar to how we would treat a struggling child. You don’t just tell that child to suck it up and keep going—or minimize their struggle. Instead, you sit with them and let them process—offering compassion and help.
The more we treat ourselves the way we would treat a child, or a friend—the more we will begin to see ourselves as trustworthy.
3. Self-trust may take time to build—and that’s okay
The journey of building self-trust is not for the faint of heart. It doesn’t always come with instant gratification.
It’s very similar to building muscle in the gym overtime. Any gym-goers or fitness buffs here have accepted that getting fit takes time. But you still show up and put in the reps in that area of your life. You can do the same for this.
The truth is—like building muscle, learning to trust yourself is simple but not always easy. It’s simple because it simply requires showing up for yourself every day with compassion and consistency. It’s hard because that feeling of certainty doesn’t always come instantly.
But remind yourself that that is okay. It’s not that you’re doing something wrong—it’s just that the journey takes time. But one day, something will finally click and you’ll be thankful for yourself that you chose to stay the course even when it wasn’t always easy 😉
4. Don’t instantly go to external authorities or sources to give you that sense of certainty!
Aka, when you feel tempted to open up Google and do some research—maybe don’t.
Let’s head back to my own embarrassing story for a bit…
One session of getting typed by an MBTI practitioner would have been enough. And really, I don’t even think I needed that.
But after my first typing session, I did finally feel settled—for a few weeks. Until I saw recommendations on YouTube for a channel called Objective Personality.
I was like ‘Oh, wow—objective. That means if they give me a certain result, it will be something I can really, solidly trust…’
‘Right?’
I almost didn’t go through with reaching out to them. In fact, I got to a point a few weeks ago where I felt like my own internal voice had given me permission to just make a decision and move on. I would have saved a lot of energy (and money) if I had let my own inner voice win.
But instead, I reached out to the Objective Personality people—and paid them to type me.
I thought ‘If I can confirm I have the right personality to be a life coach, writer and speaker—that will give me a sense of certainty that I can totally rock this.’
If I’m being totally honest, I had two separate people who practiced the OPS system type me. Yes, that’s right folks—I paid for both. The first time was to see what I would get… and the second time was to try to prove that first result wrong.
It didn’t work. I didn’t get my self-typed MBTI confirmed. I got two really off-the-wall results that don’t make a lick of sense. But honestly—even if I had gotten the result I wanted, the uncertainty would have probably persisted.
Because repeatedly reaching for outside assurance in the face of uncertainty, you are training your mind to need external authorities to make decisions for you.
You are only reinforcing the belief that you can’t make good, solid decisions for yourself.
If I could go back and talk to myself a few weeks ago—I would point myself right back to my own inner voice that had given me the permission to choose for myself.
Because let’s face it—even if you make an imperfect choice that leads to errors and mistakes down the road, you can still come back from it alive. And actually, making mistakes, correcting course, and continuing on anyway is another way to build trust in yourself!
You can and will make it through. I can do it—you can do it.
So give yourself permission to feel what you feel, make imperfect choices, take imperfect action and live unapologetically!
If there is one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s that you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you are trustworthy.
The feelings of lack of trust that you are feeling inside now are there for a reason—part of you is trying to keep you safe from situations your system doesn’t think you can handle.
But you can gradually, consistently and lovingly train yourself to see your own strength, accumulate wisdom, and cultivate a deep-seated sense of trust in yourself again.
And if you have been through the ringer relationship-wise, like I have—you can give yourself permission to rest and heal—because that ain’t easy!
