‘What are the benefits of loving yourself unconditionally?’ I typed into ChatGPT.
‘Seems like many people are able to get along just fine without it.’
I mean, some of the most successful people in the world have apparently used their lack of self-love to propel themselves to unbelievable heights. Perhaps those who grew up believing that performance = love from caregivers…
But it benefited them in a practical way—so what’s the problem?
It’s easy if you’re just a regular person with a regular job, maybe living paycheck to paycheck, to think that whatever it takes to get you to a place where you don’t have to do that anymore is worth it. Like the ends justify the means.
But what we fail to recognize is that life is only made up of moments—moments that are filled with subjective experience—and that what a lack of self-love really robs us of is the ability to fully enjoy and be present with life.
And so I had to ask myself—is a person who continually works themselves to exhaustion, never being satisfied, really enjoying the fruits of their labor?
Lack of self-love can show up in many other (less profitable) ways, too—like people-pleasing, being too afraid of failure to even start, or continually making risky choices in order to avoid pain. Perhaps there is some reward to those behaviors—like relatively conflict-free relationships, a comfortable life, or some fun times to be had.
But really, the underlying lack of self-love will rob us of the ability to truly be present with life.
Doing vs. being
I didn’t really learn about ‘being’ until I had my own kids.
Kids are experts at ‘being’. My 6-year-old daughter is not focused (yet) on what people think of her, or whether or not her actions will turn into money, or anything of the sort. Much of the time, she is fully engaged in what she is doing now for the sake of it. And I let her do that as much as possible.
Kids also force you to get into ‘being’ mode. Spending time with a child—like real, quality time—means learning to see the world through their eyes. Simply enjoying a walk outside and noticing the sights and sounds around you—or getting lost in an imaginary world of their creation. As a kid with a big imagination myself, I felt the most loved and seen by others when they were willing to get into my own, colorful world with me. I would lose track of time playing school with my sister—much like my daughter loses track of time when she’s drawing and crafting.
Ideally, in childhood, ‘doing’ mode (aka being productive, succeeding in school, doing chores and making money) builds upon a steady foundation of ‘being.’ You learn, first and foremost, that you are worthwhile simply because you are. Most of us get those two things very mixed up—we implicitly correlate a person’s worth to their actions, including ourselves and others.
For example,
That person stole something from a store = They are bad and lazy.
That person built a million-dollar business and now donates a lot of money to charity = they are diligent and good.
Or…
I made someone really upset today with an offhanded comment I made = I am a mean, bad person.
Instead, let’s try phrasing those a bit differently.
That person stole something from a store = Stealing isn’t good, and the person is still worthwhile at their core.
That person built a million-dollar business and now donates a lot of money to charity = They have incredible drive and are choosing generosity, which is fabulous… and they are just as human as anyone else.
I made someone really upset today with an offhanded comment I made = I shouldn’t have said that, and I’m only human and mess up.
I’ll do better next time.
There is a ‘next time’ when failure doesn’t define you.
A few years ago, I went through a period where I could not move on and forgive myself for some of the choices I had made.
These were not just small mistakes either—it was specifically about a choice I made to marry someone at 23 that had long-lasting consequences not just for me, but for those around me as well.
I couldn’t understand how I could just move on and forgive myself when people I loved were still reeling from and being affected by this decision.
One day, I sat down and started reading an article talking about mistakes. The article did what Ms. Frizzle of the Magic Schoolbus series often does—reframe mistakes as necessary springboards for learning, not unforgivable sins.
I wanted to cry—not just because I had made mistakes—but that this article was telling me that mistakes are human, they are normal, and that, as long as you’re alive, you always have the choice to learn from them. It felt like space opening up that wasn’t there before—permission to experiment, get messy and make mistakes—as if a loving Ms. Frizzle were there guiding me through it all.
While that didn’t erase anything on the external—it did allow me to fully accept and be where I am now rather than laying awake at night contemplating if time travel is really possible (and I confess I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time pondering that subject).
Getting rid of the shame of ‘I made a terrible mistake that hurt others and no one has ever screwed up as badly as me’ allowed me to see things much more clearly. It allowed me to start to envision a path forward—even through all the messiness that is my current life.
The fact that while we are still alive, there is always a ‘next time’ is one of the most comforting truths about life. But in order to embrace the ‘next time’ or allow yourself to branch out and possibly make a few mistakes—you need to feel stable enough inside of yourself to do so.
A few things to get you started on your self-love journey
Consciously make the decision to allow yourself time to ‘just be’
For me having school-aged kids, I spend a lot of time in this mode anyway and it has become more natural overtime.
But whatever your stage of life, you can choose to set aside some time—even just a few minutes a day—to be fully present with the world around you.
You could:
- Take a walk outside and just observe what’s around you
- Do a creative project that seems a bit childlike—with no deeper meaning other than you’re doing it for fun
- Allow yourself to start a hobby you’ve wanted to start for a long time, but maybe didn’t allow yourself to because there’s no monetary benefit or it’s not ‘productive’
I’ve started learning Korean just for fun, and allowing myself to do something simply because I want to has been incredibly freeing—like a signal to myself that I’m allowed to enjoy the things I enjoy just because I’m human.
Become attuned to your needs—even if they’re inconvenient
This feels obvious, but it is so often neglected.
When a baby has a need, we drop everything to attend to that baby. Yet when it comes to ourselves, we often push aside our needs to accomplish more ‘doing’ related tasks.
Yes, sometimes that is necessary simply because of how the world is set up—just like a middle-school-aged child may need to deny their immediate needs to get their homework done and succeed in school—for a time.
But you need to make it a point to come back to it again later. If you need rest but need to keep working to meet a deadline, make sure you come back to that need for rest after you’re done.
Allow yourself to experiment
I write a lot on here about starting over in your 30s, 40s and beyond. I think a lot of us live with the idea in our mind that once you’re in the thick of adulthood with all of its already-established responsibilities, it’s too late to experiment.
But experimentation is possible—you just need to get creative with how you do it.
Allowing ourselves to experiment sends the message to ourselves that mistakes are okay, and not knowing everything right now is okay. It also gives us the chance to figure out what it is we truly want in life rather than just settling for what’s in front of us—and we are worthy of pursuing the lives that we truly desire.
The point I’m really trying to drive home here is: you are worthwhile simply because you are human.
While you have probably heard some iteration of this before, it bears repeating.
And while you may (like me at the beginning) think that embarking on a self-love journey is pointless and won’t really change the game for you—unconditional self-love is one of the core building blocks of resilience—and resilience will ultimately help you succeed in building the life of your dreams.
You are allowed to go out in the world and make mistakes, then bounce back again.
You are allowed to have bad days.
You are allowed to be tired, stressed, and depressed—and you are allowed to rest.
So go out there and treat yourself the way you would your own child—choosing to stay with yourself through even the worst of moments. This will build in you a strength that can withstand just about anything that life can throw your way.
