There is a huge misconception circulating out there in the whole ‘building confidence’ sphere—and that’s the idea that confidence is something outside of you that you need to learn to be.
I have no doubt that all of us, at one time or another, have fallen into the trap of thinking that confidence is just something that some people have by nature and some people don’t—and that the people who don’t will simply have to learn to adapt these habits and qualities that aren’t really theirs.
Sort of like the whole ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ thing.
Sort of like ‘this will always be clunky for you—it will never feel 100% easy and natural—but it may feel easier at some point.’
Scrolling through the countless YouTube videos on how to be more confident, I couldn’t help but feel a bit exhausted. Many of these videos simply present ‘tips and tricks’ that we can then go out and implement into our daily lives—these habits, affirmations, and edits that we can consciously make that will, over time, make us slightly more confident from the outside in.
The worst of the videos I’ve seen have been something along the lines of ‘how to become more extroverted as an introvert’—implying that in order to be confident and to make it in the world, introverts have to put on extrovert costumes before leaving the house that will always feel clunky because they’re ill-fitting.
But the fact is, introverts can be confident, badass leaders too. They can feel really good about themselves inside and radiate that outward. All ‘introvert’ really means at the end of the day is someone who finds fulfillment in life by going deep into things—whether that be logic, or philosophy, human nature, or even their own personal values and feelings. They find more fulfillment in that than in going out and experiencing and impacting the outer world.
That’s it.
With insecurity vs. confidence, we’re not talking about personality—we’re talking about deep-seated bodily sensations that affect how we see ourselves and behave in the world. You can have shy and insecure extroverts (hello!) and you can have shy and insecure introverts.
Do we have that out of the way that confidence is not something you’re doomed to lack for the rest of your life because it’s ‘the way you are’?
Okay, cool—now let’s dive into some tell-tale signs that you likely have a confident part of you living inside of you already (who simply needs to be uncovered rather than created from scratch).
You consume a loooottttt of ‘how to be more confident’ content
Just the fact that you watch (or read) a lot of this stuff already tells me that you’re drawn to this subject of confidence. It’s something you desire.
You may spend a ton of time in the self-help section in bookstores (I know that’s the first place I head, too!)
You may watch a lot of content creators with beautiful hair and makeup telling you some ‘simple tips and tricks’ that you can use to ‘be more confident in 2026’.
You’re consuming this content because you’re looking for answers—which can sometimes feel a bit ‘off’—but you’re searching. And if you’re searching, this is something important to you.
You’re drawn to characters in movies and TV shows who exude confidence
You may find watching a particular show comforting because there is a particular character in it. You find it fun to watch this character and maybe put yourself in their shoes for a few minutes or hours just to try on how it might feel to be them—but from the comfort of your couch instead of going out and being that way in the real world.
This is a big reason people are drawn to things like role-play games, too (think Dungeons and Dragons). You’re able to ‘try on’ a certain character for a period of time in a very low-stakes environment like playing a fun game with friends.
You may feel this strange energy from watching these characters or playing them out in a game. Maybe your heart skips a beat when you remember that your favorite show is on tonight, and the minute the clock strikes 7 you are on that couch, popcorn in hand, ready to go. Just because you want to see what amazing things that character will do this time.
You find yourself adjacent to confident people in real life (feeling a mix of envy and admiration)
Maybe you work for a boss that exudes that confidence—and you just enjoy being around them and soaking that in without necessarily stepping into that yourself just yet.
Maybe you act as a support for someone who exudes that confidence.
And maybe, just maybe, you ‘fall in love’ with someone like that—feeling the need to have that person pay attention to you, as if that would be a real boon to your own self-esteem. (I’m only saying this because that’s kind of what happened to me 15 years ago…)
But the point is, you find yourself constantly on the periphery—waiting to jump in but also feeling this strange fear and trepidation.
If you find yourself in any of these descriptions, it’s likely that you already have a confident part living within you that you see expressed in these other people or TV characters.
I’ve heard it said that the traits we envy in others are often those we already have inside of ourselves, but we are simply afraid to let out.
I used to classify myself as an ‘insecure person’—and insecurity was something that I felt often.
If I had to describe the bodily sensation of insecurity, I would describe it as feeling empty inside—as if you need something to be able to fill that void. It’s like this uncomfortable pit in your stomach that feels cold, empty and not good.
We all have situations in our lives that bring out this feeling, and we all have parts of ourselves that feel insecure. We can all become more aware of what this feels like in our bodies in order to be able to recognize it when it comes up.
But there were also times when I could feel real, embodied confidence—and it started off as being something I could only really feel when I was alone or with trusted people.
If I had to describe confidence, I would describe it as warm—like a calm inner flame burning within—not with the force of a wildfire, but with the gentleness of a warm fireplace in the wintertime. It feels energizing, warm and just really damn good.
It feels like no matter how cold it is outside, I’ll be okay because I have warmth radiating from within (which is a totally apt metaphor because it’s 20°F right now as I write this…)
Along with those feelings came a voice—a voice that would remind me of everything I’ve overcome in my life, all of my amazing qualities, and how I am a worthwhile human being just like everyone else.
Try to recognize the times when that confident part of you really starts to show up. It may be quiet and you may need to listen carefully for it, but if you relate to any of the signs above, it is probably in there somewhere.
How to uncover the confident person within
My first recommendation would be to get into therapy!
This is the absolute best way to uncover how negative experiences in your past have concealed your big, bold and brave side.
Oftentimes insecurity stems from a very deep place of pain—which would be best to explore with a licensed professional in the safety of a therapy session rather than the self-help section of a bookstore.
My experience with internal family systems therapy has been extremely powerful, because it deals directly with the different parts of you. None of us are truly monoliths—all of us have different parts and facets that can sometimes be at war with each other or in extreme roles due to trauma or negative life experiences.
But it also helps to simply change your inner narrative, which is something we all can work on right now.
For me, this involved taking myself to a different room during moments of extreme conflict or criticism from others (which is one of my greatest struggles) and purposefully telling myself a different story about what was really going on.
I slowly learned not to take what people said about me as absolute truth—but instead to reframe it as something larger that had less to do than me and my inadequacies than I thought it did.
It is helpful to check your own inner narrative during moments when you feel that deep, pit-in-your-stomach kind of feeling. Chances are you have a ticker-tape of negative thoughts playing through your mind—and your thoughts and inner narrative are easy to change with consistent practice.
If you’re reading this right now and are hoping to try to build your confidence in the coming year—take heart.
You already have that amazing, badass woman living within you.
Everything that ‘those people out there have’ is available to you, too.
And may you experience the most powerful transformation of your life this year.
