In 2023, I had the painful, but powerful realization that I was constantly handing my self-worth over to other people.
Can anyone else relate? You may feel your sense of self fluctuate based on what the people around you are saying (or not saying) about you in any given moment.
Never mind the fact that a person’s view of you is informed by so many different factors, often outside of your control—you feel that it’s deeply personal and have a hard time shutting that off.
A lot of times, people who tend more toward being empathic can fall into this trap. For me, it’s always been a mix of compulsive and unhealthy people-pleasing and a genuine desire to make people around me comfortable and make a positive impact. If I feel I’m having a negative impact, it feels like I’m not doing my job.
But here’s the thing: truly taking care of and loving yourself won’t make you a ‘jerk’ or more prone to conflict—it will actually help you to navigate your relationships better, not worse. Someone who is completely solid in themselves will naturally have more to offer to the world.
Back in 2023, I discovered a stupidly simple method that I felt so mad that I had missed. At first, I took it as just an experiment—‘let’s just try this out and see what happens’. I didn’t really feel like I deserved to truly be confident—but I did see that what I had been doing up until that point had not been working, and that was enough to try to make a change.
Do you have a part of you that is already confident?
Many people actually have a part of them that is already confident but are afraid to show it.
For me, I’ve always associated being outwardly confident as ‘having an ego’ (aka not a good thing). When I would see others (like my sister when we were growing up) outwardly praising themselves, I admired them in a way—but also thought ‘I could never do that’.
Some reasons we may not display our more confident sides:
- Fear of judgment or disapproval from others
- Conditioning about being ‘nice’
- Conditioning about gender roles
- Another part of you is purposely holding back
All of us have different parts—which doesn’t mean ‘split personalities’—instead it means that we have components of ourselves that we show the world, and those that we keep more to ourselves. We have the parts of us that fit within our ideal public image—and those that we relegate to the shadows.
For those of us who are ‘nice’, it’s possible that you’ve simply pushed the confident version of you aside to make room for the parts that are more accommodating. I eventually realized that the confident part of me was the one I always daydreamed about but never actually expressed in real life.
She wasn’t just a fantasy I’d picked up from a movie or book—she was a part of me.
She did go out and stand up for herself and others. She did shamelessly toot her own horn. Because she does know who she is, what she’s survived, and what she deserves.
Chances are, you have that part in you already too—and if that’s the case, you simply need to cultivate it and let it see the light of day.
What do you do for people you love? The idea here is to simply turn that love inward, too.
You’ve surely heard someone say something along the lines of ‘talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend’.
I have a few theories as to why we talk to ourselves more harshly than we do our friends. One is that our friends’ choices don’t really have a direct impact on our lives. We know that our choices are those we have to live with, and often live with the idea that we can berate ourselves into motivation—like that’s the most effective way to get ourselves moving.
But we also see our own failures in more detail than those of others. We see everything—our thoughts, our motives, our deeply held secrets—the good, bad, ugly, unseemly, not worthy of the light of day…
But here’s the thing. Berating ourselves is not the most effective way to motivate ourselves. And someone who is struggling doesn’t need to have all of their flaws pointed out in painstaking detail—they need support.
‘They’ is you, by the way. You need support, not chastisement.
Talking to yourself the way you would a friend isn’t just mushy-gushy talk. It actually has the power to change the way you show up in the world, navigate relationships, and experience life—for the better.
How to stay confident in challenging moments
Remove yourself from the difficult or stressful situation. If it’s a conflict, simply choose to walk away. If you’re feeling nervous about having to give a presentation, head to the bathroom for a few minutes.
Giving yourself that space lets you know that you are important—you are worthy of that time and space—the same way a child would feel loved by you giving them your full, devoted attention.
If you can’t give yourself a ton of time, that’s okay—even just a few moments count 😉
Do something to ground yourself. For me, this is taking deep breaths. I was skeptical about this for a long time—even when I was working as a therapist and often counseled my adolescent clients to do this when they were upset.
It seemed too simple—until I actually tried it and felt the physiological effects of having my heart rate go down.
Another way to ground yourself is to simply pay attention to your environment—notice what’s around you—what can you hear, smell, see or feel?
Empower yourself. Either give yourself a pep talk in the mirror (even if it feels silly at first!), listen to an empowering song, or stand in a ‘power pose’—or do all of these!
For me, the song I chose to listen to whenever I was feeling the urge to go into people-pleasing mode—or like I was absorbing the negativity being directed at me—was Titanium by David Guetta and Sia. But a few close runner-ups are:
- I will survive (I like the Demi Lovato version, but the original by Gloria Gaynor is good too!)
- Survivor—Destiny’s Child
- I’m still Standing—Elton John
- Fighter—Christina Aguilera
- Girl on Fire—Alicia Keys
Music is an extraordinarily powerful way to quickly calm your nervous system.
Also, it’s important to learn how to speak to yourself very differently. This will feel weird at first, especially if you are so used to absorbing criticism from others or assuming that no one likes you. I had a few moments over the years where I would be talking to someone and notice this little ticker tape constantly running in the background:
“You’re talking too much”
“You’re not talking enough.”
“You need to smile more.”
“You need to tone it down.”
“They think you’re awkward. They can see right through you.”
It’s no wonder I didn’t feel confident.
Instead, try telling yourself some simple but powerful things:
”You are really out there doing the most.”
“You are a powerful force of nature—look at all you’ve overcome in life!”
“You absolutely deserve to take up space. You have just as much a right to be here as anyone else.”
“You are doing the absolute best you can—I can see it, even if no one else can.”
As weird as it may feel at first, it will become more natural over time.
Repetition is absolutely KEY to change.
It’s important to note that doing this one time wasn’t what made me feel more confident and secure. It was with constant, repeated, daily practice that my brain began to rewire itself to think differently about myself, others, and my place in the world.
For a period of a few months, every time conflict would arise or I had the urge to people-please, I would take myself into another room and do those exact steps. And overtime, I started to feel myself change inside.
With enough repetition, your mind will rewire itself permanently. While progress won’t always be neat and linear, and you still may have hard days—the progress will still be there if you just stay consistent.
Other things to try throughout the day:
- Change your posture. I purposely started walking with my shoulders back and head up (rather than slouched over like I used to)—and let me tell you, walking around like you own the place feels amazing 😉
- Remind yourself that you are on equal ground with the people around you. If you walk into a café or store and see other humans (this one is for my socially anxious friends), remind yourself that they are not above you or judging you—they are simply humans, just like you are.
- Create an ‘alter ego’. This one goes a bit deeper, but I wrote an entire other blog about how this can help you. Many celebrities do this before going on stage—and it’s helpful for separating yourself from your anxious, unconfident identity.
I hope you found this helpful as we’re about to head into the new year.
My hope is that you can charge into the year, flaming torches in hand, shouting ‘let’s go!’ instead of timidly creeping into 2026 😊
